Elephant Journal: You make me real

I really like being alone.

I wouldn’t call myself a loner, but sometimes I like it a little too much—I bathe in my aloneness until I’m forced to get out of the tub.

Everything is easier when it’s just me. I don’t have to answer to anyone.

I walk around the house naked, and I don’t think twice when I engage in ‘bad naked’ activities (as Seinfeld would say). I mix foods that should never go together, and eat them in bed while watching any ‘boring’ documentary I want to, without having to battle for viewing rights. When my girls are with their dad, I don’t have to worry about mediating sisterly feuds, or waking up a couple times a night to re-tuck them into bed.

Life is easier when I’m solo, but then I always find myself teetering on the precipice where my aloneness falls into loneliness. I laugh at the one funny line in the documentary and glance next to me, wishing to see another smile reflecting back, or I eat a new food creation which surprises my taste buds, and there is no one there to give a validating bite of approval. I wake at 2 a.m. ready to jump out of bed to pull the tie dyed embroidered blanket over my daughter, only to realize she is not home this evening.

There is an absence, a tugging sadness and a longing to be acknowledged, to acknowledge, to be needed, to need, to be wanted and to want. These feelings are a reminder—I am here for more than just me. In these moments, I recognize I love being alone, but I love being with people more—together.

The relationships in my life revive my consciousness. I feel more, I listen more—I awaken. This realization is the force that gets me out of my solitary bathtub.

We all need relationships in our lives. They remind us to love, as we experience the pains and struggles of life. The connection of love is our proof we are alive; we are here.

Relationships are the ultimate pinch to the skin of life. 

When we are born, our first relationship welcomes us into the world, “I’m so happy you are here.”

We now exist.

We need a witness to our lives—another we can turn to, who nods his or her head as the star shoots across the sky and agrees, “I saw that too.”

We exist.

As we take our last breath, someone is there to hold our hand and reminds us, “I will miss you.”

We existed.  

We are on this earth to be witnesses, to be witnessed and to say to one another, “I’m so happy you are here. I saw that too. I will miss you.”

~ Rebecca Lammersen

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